the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Randomize
