Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
