i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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