Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
