nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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