girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
