I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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