I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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