Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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