I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sorry about my life...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize