U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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