Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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