I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
