Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
