omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
