I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
