saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
