just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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