So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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