New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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