Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
