Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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