Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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