I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
