I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
