Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize