I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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