party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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