I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize