Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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