Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize