I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize