im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
