you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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