I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
