All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
