Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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