i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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