her vagine was all disorganized.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
did you just send me my own nude
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you never un-have a 4some
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize