I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i think i just lost a toe
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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