one two three fourrrrnication!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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