The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize