My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
