Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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