Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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