I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
