Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
