found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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