Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
