where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
