and she was petting her beer can
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
