I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
