PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
