This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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