where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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