That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
