drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
