Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
