i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
