rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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