i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
